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The Darkness ReviewA News Letter for Universal Tao Darkness Retreat Participants |
Tao Garden Darkness Retreat participants are invited to contribute articles to this Newsletter. please write to: thedarknessreview@gmail.com
Featuring Article: Visionary Alchemy contributed by Minke De Vos
Dark Room Retreat,
Tao Garden, Feb. 9 - 22, 2003 My senses were overloaded
with busyness and impressions. I was so relieved to dive into the darkness. Ah!
Nothing to do but practice and rest for two weeks in the dark. I had been on
many intensive retreats, living in a retreat centre for twenty years, before
but diving into complete darkness was a new adventure. I was nervous about the
darkness from childhood world war nightmares. The staff took me into the dark
room wearing heavy night goggles and it looked like a spooky green war zone. I
calmed myself by resolving to come to peace with the darkness, to embrace the
darkness in my life. My twenty-year marriage was on the rocks. My life’s work, Silent Ground Retreat Centre,
needed now a huge financial support to survive. I needed spiritual strength to
carry it through. My friends thought that I
must be crazy to spend two weeks in the dark in beautiful Thailand, coming from
the dark, rainy Canadian winter. I reassured them that this strange experiment
has been recognized by many spiritual traditions as a birthing ground to awaken
the inner vision of our subtle nature. The time-tested Taoist practices of
Inner Alchemy give deep roots for self- development. Like a plant, seeds sprout
in the darkness. For each individual the flowering process is a spontaneous,
magical experience. How would you envision what your response would be? Having missed the visual
orientation of the building, which others had a week prior, my street-wise
roommate from New York guided me around with my hand on her shoulder. This
eased the initial trauma of immersion in darkness, like a child going into a
dark, Halloween horror house. The next day I was adjusted to my new dark world.
Bumping my head on the balloon markers reminded me to “lighten up”. I developed
eyes in my fingers and toes, feeling into the space. I befriended the darkness.
I felt the presence of other people as kind and reassuring guidance. A hand
would reach out to help me find the stair’s handrail. A kitchen helper made
sure that I had received my bagged vegetarian food by gently tapping my hand.
Our antennae must have been sensitized, because we seldom bumped into each
other The darkness was soothing for
my eyes and nerves. It invited me to turn my senses inward. It made the
transitions between meditation and other activities seamless. It helped to
maintain the inward focus throughout the day. The dark Yin environment
amplified the yang light of my awareness. The mind of the Tao is said to be
dark outside and light inside, not fixed on externals but aware of inner essence. Master Chia’s humor and
well-spaced guidance kept a good spirit for the participants to commit
themselves to the process. We practiced “ Laughing Baby” when Mantak Chia
squeezed a laughing toy that laughed at a hilarious high pitch! We all laughed while lying down and shaking
our legs and arms up in the air. The different shades of giggles and full-blown
laughter textured a cosmic symphony! It was a fun way for everyone to lighten
up before the sessions. It cleared the air and woke up our Tan Tiens. The room was often very still
and concentrated. There was also lots of time to explore our inner reality on
our own. I went into the hall before the sessions to stretch and move a bit.
There were often pockets of talking. I would have enjoyed more silence,
especially before the early morning practices. It is such a special time to
come out of sleep and maintain the peace or reflective mood of the dream state
and bring it into the meditation. Deep breathing into the bones
helped to ground me in the body. It counter-balanced the loftiness of astral
experiences. My kidneys were nourished by the earth energy. My bones became
light-filled and glowing like diamonds, in contrast to the darkness, which made
it easier for me to sense infrared light penetrating into my bones. I practiced
long deep breathing, with over a minute per breath, like the deep sea turtle.
The breath power fueled my inner lamp, which lit up my inner world. I ate sitting on the floor,
which got pretty sticky after while! One man said that we should wear bibs!
Eating mainly with my hands to sense what was going into my mouth, was a
sensual delight. The delicious Buddhist vegetarian cuisine could have fooled me
with their “fake” meats! However, I found that the diet was too yin in such a
dark, yin environment. I made a mental note of how I would work with the diet
in such a retreat to facilitate sensual simplicity and yet dynamically
stimulate the chi flow. I would serve less sweet, fruity and rich food and more
mild, warming food to help calm the body/mind. It was challenging to keep
calm when I contemplated what I could offer the group during my four teaching
sessions. How to meet the needs of an unseen group? Talking without visual
feedback made the voice a heightened instrument of communication. After coming
out of the retreat, I was surprised when I saw how a few people had interpreted
the movements I had described in the dark. They were nice variations on the
theme. William Wei said that, “ If you can teach here, you can teach anywhere.” I was smiling like a child,
full of wonder and joy, much of the time. They say you must become like a child
to enter the kingdom of heaven. I felt more and more childlike, with openness
and freshness growing within me. The retreat offered the space
to process big changes in my life. I recently separated from my husband.
Instead of painful feelings, gratitude and love arose for my loved ones. I was
inwardly preparing myself to carry the initiative of our retreat center, Silent
Ground. Instead of anxiety, I felt hope, as support and encouragement seemed to
come towards me from the spirit. A few days before the end of
the retreat, I had a strange feeling about an unanswered phone call in my room.
I thought that my partner would only call me if someone had died. I had a
vision of death images. When I came out of the retreat I received an e-mail
that my partner had sent to me on the day of the phone call. He told me about
the death of a dear mentor. Instead of grieving my loss of her presence on this
plane, my heart filled with peace, acceptance and gratitude. Wherever in the
spiritual world “she” is, a bright star is shining and all are blessed with
“her” being, I thought. My dreams were vivid. The
retreat became like one long lucid dream. The fan in my room became a waterfall
in a lush garden. Visions were brilliant in contrast to the darkness. They
spoke to me of the wisdom of the spirit. We were guided to sense what appeals
to us, for example, what soul food we might need. I asked for this inwardly and
what “came” to me was a supportive, warm hugging bear who comforted my
soul. A white, three-petalled, trillium
flower spoke to me of simplicity. The sparkling beauty of Venus lit up my inner
world. Exploring this Shamanistic world was spontaneous. The presence of the
eight forces and eight immortals was invoked by group chanting. These forces
helped to restore the elixir and return it inside. The darkness dissolved a
sense of separateness with our environment and facilitated a sense of merging
with universal forces. It helps to dissolve identity. Emphasis on outer
appearances lost its grip. By refining away the mundane from the elixir, the
inner elixir manifests the true light from within. “When the outer elixir is
complete and the inner elixir is perfected, one roams in the land of nothing
whatsoever” (page 109 Understanding Reality) The group’s focus was on the
alchemy of non-physical, energetic orgasm with unconditional love and
compassion. The group’s cauldron of energy helped to stir up the alchemy
process. Recall of bliss in my chi body made it easy for me to awaken a sense
of arousal of multi-orgasmic, whole body,
“cosmic” orgasm. The powerful forces that pulsate through all creation
fueled the generation of unconditional love and compassion. Merging with the
light of love, which binds all beings, created a sustained stillness, as if
suspended in substantial contentment. My being expanded into all-embracing
emptiness, full of potential. The immortal child, a
condensation and personification of awareness and essential energy, became
animated. When I connected to my “Immortal Fetus” its appearance was
fully-grown. I mentioned this to Master Chia and he affirmed that the growth of
my inner being has been going on through meditative practice over many years.
He asked me to share my previous experiences with inner alchemy. The intimate
communication established a respectful rapor with the group. On retreat about twenty years
ago in the Swiss Alps, an inner alchemical enfoldment spontaneously kicked off.
My meditation was simply following the breath. Suddenly a volcanic power surged
through my body. Fluid currents flowed in rhythmical patterns, which I now
recognize as the meridians and special flows.
Sometimes I felt like a "flaming ice-cube", crystal clear and
frozen in stillness with a glowing auric field. The steaming reversal of fire
and water inside made me sweat, in a cold chalet, where you could see your
breath! The bliss of “cosmic orgasm” made my body feel buoyant and
light-filled. The boundaries between the universe and myself often dissolved,
leaving vast spaciousness. My “soul body” spontaneously
extended above me. I felt a strong pull on my crown as if someone was pulling
my hair. Then I felt fifteen feet high, with a grander view of the present
moment. A bright light developed in my core, which I called a “diamond”. I felt
like a Madonna, giving my “diamond” devoted attention with unconditional love
and compassion. For about nine months it was like a fetus stirring inside of
me. Currents were so strong that they moved my body involuntarily. I trusted
the process like a woman giving birth. Carefully I observed the awesome wisdom
and creativity of the energy. The process of freely flowing energetic openings
continues. The immortal body communicates with voice and gesture. Through its
presence my Higher Self can communicate with me. It becomes more and more vivid
how God lives within me and manifests through me. Body and mind are one piece.
My body responded to intensely devoted meditation by stopping menstruation for
about eight months, like a lactating mother. I felt very strong, transparent,
youthful and blissfully high. This flashback helped me to
recall my roots and raise my inner being that had been silently growing within
me. I shared with Master Chia that my soul or energy body shifted from between
masculine to feminine qualities. He confirmed that this dynamically
balances the soul body. They can merge as an androgynous being. The soul body
resonated above me as higher octaves, an amplified form of my inner potential.
Subtle visions were actualizations or embodiments of the particular archetypes,
which were developing within me. They influenced my physical gestures as my
arms and hands moved into spontaneous mudras. I felt like was wearing the crown
of a Tibetan deity. I had many visionary experiences before so I was accustomed
to their vivid, moving, “more than life” quality. Nine archetypes brought alive
the masculine, feminine and neutral aspects of myself. I felt that these
personifications of virtues were encouraging signs and gifts of the spiritual
world. I was in a state of wonder about what would appear next! They were
gateways to acknowledge my higher purpose. “Light attracts light.” Since Taoist
practice takes priority to cultivate virtues, virtuous beings or reflections
came towards me. I recognized these archetypes as mentors and ideals, which I
have upheld in my life. It was like they came together at a conference to
communicate and support each other. I felt that all “dieties” potentially live
in me. I will share them as they appeared to me. The Savior, Bearer of
Freedom, a Christ-like figure, had wind blowing through white robes, which
released past conditioning. The Spiritual Warrior, Bearer
of Courage and Discrimination, was like Joan of Arc and wore green metallic
armor and brandished a sword to cut through delusion. The Divine Mother, Bearer of
Devotional, Unconditional Love, was a Madonna embracing a child. The Teacher, Bearer of Wisdom,
was like Moses, carrying the laws of the universe on a written tablet. The Peacemaker, Bearer of
Peace and Serenity, had crossed arms over the heart, closed eyes and was draped
in blue and violet robes. Hands in prayer position opened like a doorway,
inviting my consciousness into inner depths. The Cosmic Jester, Bearer of
Playfulness, Crazy Wisdom and Humor, wore a three-pronged golden hat with
bells. He was lightly laughing as he juggled a sun and moon. The Ecstatic Dancer, Bearer
of Joy and Lively Movement, had four arms and one body from the merging of male
and female deities. These snake-like arms waved streamers of rainbow light,
which drew in cosmic sound and frequencies to dance to. The Muse, Bearer of Angelic
Beauty, Inspirer of Creative Arts, played joyful, celestial music on a long
horn. The music called the cosmic symphony to play in all its glory. Inside my
heart center she played a harp, glowing white gold and smiling with higher joy. The Healer, Bearer of Healing
and Transformation, channeled rainbow light into parts of my body needing
attention. My neck shook a lot. The inner healer went there and smoothed it out
and kissed it. Moving afterwards, my neck and body was wonderfully opened and
released. My wish for getting some bodywork diminished. If these animated soul
gestures seem foreign to you, you might be emphasizing other gestures right
now. Even if your higher guidance or “helpers” might be invisible to you, you
might feel that something is supporting you in life. Who are your archetypes? I felt grateful for the soul
nourishment and empowerment that these actualizations gave me. Now I can call
on these soul qualities, which were captured in these forms. After leaving
Thailand I went to New Zealand, where this was tested. I went sailing in
dangerous gusty winds. I was asked to lower the sail and spontaneously I
envisioned a courageous figure, which helped me to let go of fear and be
carefully attentive. I smiled with victory. The head sailor’s neck was knotted
afterwards from the stress. I gave her a massage and she was amazed how the
knots dissolved. The healing forces are there when I open to them. The masculine and feminine
qualities dynamically merged as I sent out a pearl in vertical astral flight to
the North Star. A yin pearl ascended, followed by a yang pearl. These pearls,
personified as two lovers, joined forces to fly up to connect with the universe
through the Pole Star, a point of orientation in the universe. A golden
“wedding ring” formed around them, linking their energies and spiraled down
into my heart center, forming a golden ring of light there. This transformed
into a six-pointed star, the yin and yang triangles overlapping into balance.
The star pulsated and glowed with harmonious energy in my heart, bringing my
awareness back again and again to my center. My organs became purified,
appearing as beautiful, colorful flowers and clear crystals, each showing their
distinct character. My heart felt expanded like arms or antennae reaching way
out to embrace vast horizons and landscapes. When we were cultivating the heart
centre, I led the group in rhythmical movement of pulsing and clapping close to
the heart and then extending the arms like lungs breathing out to touch the
world. To keep the rhythm I recited one of my poems, The Rider (see below).
When we ended the group clapped to my joyful surprise! All
ablaze is the flame in
my heart on this night, All
alone in the dark I do ride. For
the shadow of death is
this cape in the wind- just
one gust doth reveal the
empowering rider within! Coming out of the dark womb
was like coming into a dream. The night’s light was eerie. My heart and kidneys
were shocked by the change and I walked a bit wobbly around the Tai Chi field.
I soon gained my bearings. I felt vulnerable like a child and full of wonder at
the beautiful, vivid colors of the world. A heightened sensitivity lingered on.
My eyes were sensitive to the light for a few days and enjoyed the soft
darkness when I closed the drapes to meditate. Meditation after the retreat
continued in an open, transparent way. A
vast, formless spaciousness embraced all sensual sounds and sensations. I am so
grateful for this womb-like experience, which allowed seeds of positive change
to sprout. I felt inspired to create a safe, supportive environment for others
to open up and come into flower. I used to hang onto a flashlight to walk in the dark. Now I take joy in feeling my way around and trusting that a higher sense is guiding me. Kan & Li meditation in a
dark room retreat facilitated the opening of my inner vision to my archetypal,
universal nature. A few others spoke about visionary experiences but mostly I
heard accounts of unconscious material, like fears, arising out of the dark. I
sensed their liberation. Their inner light saw through the dark shadows and
broke through their dense walls. When enough obstructions are cleared, the
light shines on itself and reveals the super-conscious. Gentle guidance through
the doorways into our inner worlds can reveal our hidden potential. This
guidance I feel inspired to offer to others on the path. Through the development of
our subtle vehicles we can walk about in these worlds and evolve them. I was
invited to play as a conscious “co-creator” of the universe, with wonderful
creative beings. Hopefully this story will encourage you to trust the wisdom of
your spirit and surrender to their re-birth, born out of the pregnant void. The
steam arising out our love affair with the cosmos creates artworks of goodness,
truth and beauty, which enrich our lives with wonder.
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